Lot 1 · Breeding pair
Zebra Strips
Our flagship. Hand-cut, mesquite-smoked, striped with regret. Sourced from a breeding pair we fully intended to buy.
$100 / stick
Livestock pending
Lot 0 · The Original Pouch
They had a plan.
It was jerky.
Small-batch, mesquite-smoked, hand-cut jerky made entirely from the animals we did not buy at an exotic wildlife auction in Dallas, Texas.
$100
per stick
Livestock pending
Pre-orders ship when the livestock does.
Now showing
Table 17
Four men went to an exotic wildlife auction to learn. They did not.
- Official selectionTable 17 Film FestivalAttendance: 4
- WinnerBest Performanceby a Muntjac
- NomineeBest Supporting StickerGold foil, one (1)
Lots sold tonight: 214
Table 17: 1 (Sticker)
- 0Numbers written down
- IIIGlasses of house red
- 3Bids attempted
- 0Bids placed
The Collection
Pre-orders open.
Livestock pending.
Every stick is catalogued like the lot it was supposed to come from. Bidding is open. Winning is not.
Lot 12 · Arabian oryx
Oryx Bites
Artisanal. Take your pick. Bite-sized pieces of an Arabian oryx that went home with somebody else.
$100 / stick
Livestock pending
Lot 23 · Greater kudu
Kudu Reserve
Every other table bought a kudu. Ours kept the hat. Aged one (1) evening in a straw cowboy hat.
$1,000 / stick
Allocation only
Lots 2–49 · Gazelle
A Million Bucks of Gazelle
Just waved us goodbye. Tasting notes: dust, hoofprints, one long look back.
Price on request (request denied)
Gone
Not picturedLot 50 · The infamous muntjac
Muntjac Mystery Stick
Half a deer, half a heart attack. Nobody at Table 17 dared. Neither should you.
Nobody dared
Not pictured
Lot 214 · Our only acquisition
The Sticker
One gold-foil star. Hand-applied. Provenance: Table 17. The only thing we won all night.
Not for sale
We still want the stickers
The Business Plan
Drafted on a cocktail napkin.
Audited by nobody.
- SuperExpensiveJerky.com
- $100 a stick
- Zebra Strips
- Oryx Bites
Revenue: projected vs. actual
Napkin method. The math teacher declined to write the numbers down.
- Projected
- Actual
View as a table
| Week | Projected | Actual |
|---|---|---|
| Auction night | $0 | $0 |
| Week 1 | $2,000 | $0 |
| Week 2 | $8,000 | $0 |
| Week 3 | $25,000 | $0 |
| Week 4 | $70,000 | $0 |
| Week 5 | $180,000 | $0 |
| Week 6 | $420,000 | $0 |
| Christmas | $1,000,000 | $0 |
Provenance
Ethically unsourced.
Every stick is smoked low and slow over Texas mesquite, then hand-cut from the finest intentions. No animals were harmed, purchased, or successfully bid on in the making of this jerky.
- Free range. The animals are still ranging freely. On someone else’s ranch.
- Small batch. Batch size: zero.
- Farm to table. Table 17, specifically.
- Aged. In regret, since the night of the auction.
A note on the hat
The kudu has the hat now.
We do not want to talk about it.
Gifting
The Rich-by-Christmas Collection
A full-size tree, trimmed with jerky and dressed in gold stars, for the executive who has everything except livestock. $100 per ornament. Stars sold separately. We are out of stars.
Reviews
“Would somebody please quiet down Table Seventeen.”
- The steak“Cooked just right.”
- The auctioneers“Smooth as silk. They could sell you the moonlight.”
- Table 17 · Purchases: 0“Would buy nothing again.”
In Memoriam
Lots we did not buy
A million bucks of gazelle just waved us goodbye.
- Lot 12 · Arabian oryxCause: a sticker
- Lot 31 · WildebeestCause: glass three
- Lot 37 · Kri-kri ibexCause: nobody wrote the number down
- Lot 50 · The infamous muntjacCause: nobody dared
- Lot 61 · Zebra, breeding pairCause: we were there to learn
Lot 50 · The infamous muntjac
Not pictured
That little fella’s half a deer and half a heart attack. The picture has been withheld for your safety.
Loud. One flash. You were warned.
Frequently asked
Questions we cannot answer
Is this real jerky?
It is a real plan.
What does zebra taste like?
We never found out.
When will my order ship?
Pre-orders ship when the livestock does. The livestock is pending.
Why is it $100 a stick?
Artisanal. Also, nobody wrote the numbers down.
Do you ship internationally?
We don’t ship domestically.
Can I buy a zebra from you?
No. We couldn’t either.
What happened to the pouch?
It went up in smoke. It does that.
Where can I get the gold star stickers?
We still want the stickers.
Is the muntjac okay?
The muntjac is fine. Please stop asking about the muntjac.
Are you affiliated with the auction?
No. They were wonderful hosts, the steak was cooked just right, and none of this is their fault.
SuperExpensiveJerky.com
Pre-orders open · Livestock pending
P.S. We still want the stickers.
